CounterTerrorist Training

This is a note to all my readers:

I am shipping for Officer Candidate School, USMC in Quantico, Virginia on Friday the 21st of September, 2007. I will try to send a journal of my experiences there to my friend Gary, who has agreed to post them on my blog for me. So anything you see posted here between now and November 30th (my graduation date) will be at OCS.

Time for this would-be hero to become a hero-in-training.

Ooo-rah.

Apple releases it's latest device

It's hip. It's trendy. It's going to change the world.

It's the iBomb.

Madness

Now the gas stations have taken up the sword of trustbusting. Clearly, this is a disgusting crime. What self-respecting person would enter into a voluntary contract with others involving the trade of goods? It's almost as if Chevron thinks itself...human, or something. I, of course, price fix all the time. Why, just yesterday I went to a Sushi restaurant and agreed to the price that I was quoted. Totally fixed that price.

But what if I want to partner up with someone and start a small business, and we collude together and fix prices like maniacs? No one will be able to stop us from charging a million dollars for a toaster. People will come into our shop and be forced to decide whether or not to buy it at that exorbitant price. And we can collude with other toaster sellers and convince them all to sell at a million dollars. It's almost like kicking someone in the groin (except for the part where they can choose to not be kicked in the groin.) Why, no one will be able to stop us - except possibly someone who produces toasters and sells them for less than a million dollars.

Which makes me wonder - why isn't Chevron charging a million dollars for a gallon of gas already? What morons. They could be making a 500,000 percent profit. It would be madness! People would have to make difficult choices like whether to buy Chevron gas for a million dollars per gallon or Arco gas for 2.50 per gallon. What about the rights of people who really really really like Chevron gas? And haven't those people suffered enough in our nation's history? Who will stop Chevron from charging a million a gallon? Who will stop the madness!?

Madness?!?! This is the Federal Trade Commission!!!!!

Our hero.

Duty? Honor? Country? Nahhhhhh...

People keep asking me why I want to join the Marines, usually asked in a tone of voice which implies that anyone considering a military career has put little or no thought into the whole government-owning-you deal. This couldn't be farther from the truth.

Take my reason, for instance:


Damn that's a sexy uniform. It's sexiness is only exceeded by my own, which is considerable. I think that is more than enough reason to join. Also I'm pretty sure you get paid or something. Hoo-rah.

Freedom of Refill

There are some things in life that you have to travel to shitty third-world countries in order to appreciate. One of them is free refills. Americans have no idea how unheard of this idea is in other parts of the world. When I was in Jordan, the only place with free refills on drinks was Burger King, the distinctly American restaurant. Everywhere else I went, I was met with the same blank stare. They didn't even have the concept. I suffered the horrors of 12 measly ounces of soft drink to an expensive meal every single day. America, how I love thee.

Man, I totally can't figure this out. How could a pure, benevolent socialist leader like Hugo Chavez arbitrarily shut down a popular television station? It's almost as if he's been endowed by the very people who are protesting with unlimited god-like state powers to nationalize property at will...

Season six sucks.

Season six of '24' has finally ended, not so much in triumph as in the manner of a braying donkey with a broken leg getting put out of its misery. It wasn't just ridiculous - it was stupid. This season was actually two different stories - one with nuclear weapons, and one with China fucking shit up. The part with the nukes was alright, save for the part where X Muslim nation didn't get nuked.

The part with China was just stupid. At that point, the writers were grasping for straws after prematurely ending the nuclear plot with Jack Bauer single-handedly taking out a nest of terrorists. And I think he broke up a drug ring, stopped a genocide, cured cancer, and ended world hunger in that hour, too. It was pretty intense.

Then, the writers start pulling random shit out of their asses. Some component for the nuclear bomb fell into Chinese hands - and it just so happens to have the secrets to the ENTIRE Russian security system stored in it. Never mind the fact that storing that data in a suitcase nuke serves no purpose whatsoever, since those are designed to be carried anonymously into cities, without the need to access any defense network whatsoever. Let's just say the Russians made a few too many of these sub-circuit boards, so they started handing them out as shitty hannukah presents to nuclear engineers. That'll work.

So China, ignoring the fact that what it is doing is a blatant and completely un-covert ACT OF WAR against America, decides to blackmail Jack Bauer into giving them the chip. They get it, and the Russians find out.

Their response was this: invade an American base.

That's right. China uses force to wrestle this chip out of American hands - a chip which, let's remind everyone, was in America because a RUSSIAN rogue general gave Russian nuclear weapons to terrorists which were subsequently used in America, killing TWELVE THOUSAND Americans - and Russia decides that America is both at fault and needs to be invaded.

Never mind the fact that Russia couldn't get within 100 miles of any of our bases without us permitting their presence. Never mind the fact that a single smart bomb from our airplanes would destroy a Russian armored division. No, let's ignore reality and be scared of Russia.

Besides, Russia clearly has no choice in the matter. After all, since this chip would compromise the Russian security force and leave them open to Chinese attack, the best military strategy is to invade another country (two, if you count the shitty Central Asian country where our forces are based), stretching their military thin and, of course, getting fucked up by America. The fact that opening a war with America when China is contemplating an invasion would make it a strategically-horrible TWO-FRONT war never seems to enter their minds.

But, as the second-to-last episode hastily spoon-feeds us in an idle and unsubstantiated speculation (made after the vice president admits the plot makes no fucking sense), maybe it's more rogue generals influencing the Suporovs. Apparently, you can't spit in Russia without hitting a rogue general.

And then there was the subplot with Jack's father - who a few hours earlier came within inches of murdering his consistently simpering grandson - suddenly demanded him as ransom for the chip, so they can live happily-ever-after in China together. What about the part where he had a loaded gun to his grandson's head, you ask? All an elaborate prank. Get it? Hil-arious. And this kid could not stop whining and whimpering. "Waa, my father was involved in a plot to nuke Los Angeles," "Waa, my grandfather is kidnapping me," "Waa, I don't want to go to China." Quit being a baby and take it like a Bauer.

Season 7 had better come with fired writers.

Disclaimer: If you haven't seen season six, don't read any of the above, may include spoilers.



Here's a list of things 24 did right in season six:

Yeah, that's about it.

A baby picture of my uncle who lives in Egypt. I don't think he has forty menservants yet in this picture...

Murder is, like, way cool

I'm proud of my fellow unique anti-establishment students sporting their Che Guevara t-shirts. Nothing says "I'm an anti-establishment communist, so stop giving me curfews Mom!" like purchasing a popular t-shirt from a privately-owned multinational corporation, then wearing it in the comfort of one of the most capitalist countries in the world. I propose that we assist these poor souls in finding their true home. Let's deport anyone with a Che t-shirt to Cuba, regardless of nationality. I'm sure we'll find plenty of greedy capitalists generous enough to pay for the plane ticket. There, they can enjoy the paradise their hero built.

PCILF (Presidential Candidate I'd Like to ...)

France has finally done something to make me pay attention to their presidential elections.

Why do the socialists get all the hot presidential candidates?

And here's the new president. Clearly, didn't win the beauty contest. Note the ash-yellow hue of his horrible, horrible teeth. What a turn-on.

God vs. Satan

Looks like God's winning.

Islamonomics

My Economics professor told us today of a 'very prominent Islamic economist' (ignore the oxymoron) in Jordan who put forth a new economic model. This model is based on "taqwa", which means 'fear of god'. That's right. It predicts that the more fear of God there is in people, the better the economy will be.

My professor asked him how you measure taqwa. You probably already guessed the answer - you don't MEASURE the fear of God...you FEEL it.

An economic measure that is immeasurable. Brilliant.

Man, I wonder why the Arab world isn't known for its great economists...?

The Brain Drain...in the World Bank

The World Bank has published one of the most offensive reports I've ever read (and am assigned to present for my socialist Economics professor tomorrow) on skilled human capital migration (the brain drain from the Third World to the First.) Here's one of the most appalling quotes:

"Bhagwati (1976b) proposed to tax the increased income of emigrants at some rate greater than their normal tax rate in the receiving country which should be spent in developing countries. Alternatively, the immigrant could be taxed the normal rate and the destination country could share the increased productivity with the developing world."

Here are some of the assumptions made by this 'solution' to the 'problem' of the brain drain:

1. The source (developing) country's crappy economy which led to the migration is the fault of us rich Americans.

2. The source country's government owns the productive capacity of its citizens, as well as, of course, a portion of their produce. Just because they exist, and sent the dictator's brother to represent them at the UN (thus making them legitimate).

3. The migrants should be punished for seeking a better life in a better country. It's sort of like taxing someone for avoiding a sharp kick in the balls.

4. That emigration is an inherently bad thing. There are two parties involved: a businessman in America seeking foreign skilled labor, and a foreign skilled laborer seeking a job. Where did the government - either one - get into the picture?



There was also this quote, which I defy anyone to decipher:

"Initiatives to resourcing expatriates by increasing communications, knowledge transfer,
remittances and investment"

Clearly, the World Bank has very high standards for grammar. Are we sure the brain drain is in the Third World, and not in the World Bank?

Poverty, your days are numbered

My professor explained to us exactly what Jordan needs to relieve poverty. Taxes, a minimum wage, regulations, and welfare. Jordan, you see, is suffering from that common affliction of third world countries - too little government intervention. In Professor Omet's words, it needs more political freedom and more economic control. If Jordan starts taking more money from its people, they'll start caring what it does with the money. Therefore, they will begin to lobby their government to institute better economic policies (read: Communism), leading inexorably to the 10+% economic growth Jordan needs to pull out of poverty.

Hooray for Keynes!

Housewife, PhD

My professor gave us this statistic in class today, during a discussion on reducing poverty in Jordan and the Middle East: 55% of graduates from Jordanian universities are female. 7% of new employees with degrees are female.

In other words, although the majority of graduates are female, only a handful of them are getting jobs thereafter. The reason for this is cultural. Before they can work, women must get the permission of male members of the household. So if the father assents, perhaps the brother is against it. Essentially, these women are getting degrees in order to become professional housewives. One wonders why they went to school in the first place? This, too, is cultural. The first revelation given to Prophet Mohammad was "iqra" which means "read". Education is considered one of the highest forms of jihad in Islam, and therefore they go to learn regardless of whether or not they will use their education. In other words, they consider education to be an inherent good, an end in itself. Clearly, an excellent policy.

What I love about Arabic

One thing I love about Arabic:

You can legitimately adjective and verb any noun. In fact, all words have a root, and from that root comes the various forms of a word.

For example, the word "to leave" is kharaja. But from the same root, (generally three letters), you can make mokhraj, which means a place to leave (exit). You can also make khorouj - exit. Kharajeya, the adjective (means external). A person who has left is khaarej. Notice the similarity between each of these words - they each include a combination of the three letters 'kha', 'ra', and 'jim'. It makes learning Arabic relatively simple, because once you know a root and the various forms, you can infer the meanings of most new words without having to look them up.

Because of this, there are all kinds of verbs in Arabic which don't exist in English. Generous, for example. One can say 'to generous' or 'he generoused me'. You can also say 'X lonelied me', in one word, which is very useful in songs (wahashteeny - you made me lonely). Virtually all words have a verb form. It's awesome.

Actually, that's several things I love about Arabic. It's a rather rational language, despite it's weird numbering system.

A Grammatical Decree

In view of the fact that the English language is sorely lacking in hard and fast rules of grammar, I hereby declare to all ye peoples of English nations that now and forevermore, any and all words which end in -us shall become -i when plural.

Some words affected by this decree:

- Statuses are now stati

- Platypuses are now platypi

- A group of people named Seamus shall be named Seami, and a group of Guses are Gi

- Several Buses are Bi (my personal favorite)

- If you're a polygamist, you won't be going out with several missuses. You'll be going out with the missi.

- A group of cars made by Lotus are Loti.

Hopefully, rule changes like these will be the impeti for a movement to make English more rational.

The Third Alternative

Republicans suck. I don't quite agree that voting Democratic is the correct alternative - there is, after all, a Libertarian Party to consider, and I doubt that getting people to see the horrific results of socialism and altruism under Democrats will result in a true Capitalist revolution (in fact, it'll probably just send them back to the Republicans, as it always does). So if we want anything closer to capitalism, Libertarian is probably as close as we're going to get for now.

In other words, I am very likely to vote Libertarian in '08.

Innocents in War

Although this was written before Iraq, the principles it explains remains applicable, if only we would take them to heart.

Religion and Subjectivism

An EXCELLENT article, exposing the relationship between subjectivism and a religious 'absolute' (an oxymoron.)

The Philosophy of Death

Let's please send some financial aid to the Palestinian government, whose Parliament speaker, Sheikh Ahmad Bahr, declared in a sermon on Sudanese TV:

"Allah willing, 'you will be victorious,' while America and Israel will be annihilated, Allah willing. I guarantee you that the power of belief and faith is greater than the power of America and Israel."

Those are just the pleasantries.

"They are cowards, as is said in the Book of Allah: 'You shall find them the people most eager to protect their lives.' They are cowards, who are eager for life, while we are eager for death for the sake of Allah."

Does anyone still think there is any room for negotiations with people who are 'eager for death for the sake of Allah'?

Civilization vs. Barbarism

In any serious war, there are only two viable options: either you win or you lose. The third alternative of negotiated settlement does not actually settle disputes - it postpones them. This is evidenced throughout the history of warfare. Evidence of wars which ended favorably include World War II, with America annihilating its enemies. Now they represent some of the freest and wealthiest states in the world (Japan and Germany). Wars which ended in armistice, like the Korean War, continue to cause problems (Kim Jong Il, now armed with nukes and a Napoleon complex).

The most striking example of how negotiations do not end wars is Israel and Palestine. Today, Hamas declared a five-month ceasefire over, and immediately launched rockets and missiles into Israel in an attempt to distract them long enough to kidnap a soldier or two.

Does Israel need another lesson in failed negotiations? As long as negotiation is an option, terrorism will persist in hopes of sparking concessions. Negotiation in and of itself is a concession, as it legitimizes the complaints of terrorists. Although this is not always the case, there is a clear good guy in this war. Israel has granted greater freedom to its citizens than any state in the Middle East, despite heavy socialism. It represents learned civilization in an uncivilized region. Palestine represents savagery, with religion dominating over reason. The state represents the corruption and nepotism inherent in Arab culture. It is not a place where you produce and think - it is a place where you destroy and pray.

There is only one option for Israel, when confronted with a group calling for the extermination of the Jews and claiming land by right of religion - destroy them before they destroy you. One cannot deal with savages on the level of Men. This is not a clash of civilizations. They are not civilized. It is a clash between civilization and barbarism.

And barbarians they are. They produce nothing. Not even the weapons they use to destroy. Their guns and missiles come from Russia or the West. What little industry they have is supplied or operated by Westerners who are comfortable making deals with the devils that are Middle Eastern governments (private industry is virtually non-existent). Even the oil which is the source of their wealth is pumped, refined, and exported by Westerners. When they cut civilization out of the deal - as Iran did - the only result is a steady and devastating decline in productive capacity.

It is exactly as Ayn Rand predicted - collectivism does not result in the efficient industrial power predicted by George Orwell in 1984. The standard of force leads man not to progress and the future, but back to the cave from which he emerged.

And these are the savages we fight. Their leader literally lives in a cave. They produce nothing and demand everything. Reason can prevail against them - but only if we commit to our right to exist. I hope Israel celebrates her 59th birthday by sending a very special gift to Hamas headquarters. That way, they can join Arafat in discovering the horrible truth:

Chaos at any price

If anyone had any lingering doubts about whether or not Iran is psychotic enough to use nuclear weapons, take some of this medicine:

"In his just-published memoirs, French Foreign Minister Philippe Douste-Blazy relates the story of a meeting between three European foreign ministers together with Javier Solana of the European Union and President of Iran Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The meeting, which took place at the United Nations on September 15, 2005, dealt with what Douste-Blazy characterized as "the generous European offer" to Iran regarding its nuclear program. Ahmadinejad was characterized by Douste-Blazy, a surgeon and a professor of medicine by profession, as stubborn, and the meeting was described as leading nowhere. Suddenly, Ahmadinejad changed the course of the conversation with the following aside: "Do you know why we should wish to have chaos at any price?" he asked rhetorically. "Because, after the chaos, we can see the greatness of Allah.""


Of course, Saudi Arabia was not about to be out-crazied by a bunch of Shi'a:

"A Saudi Education Ministry document titled "Educational Policy" stated that one of the educational goals was "to prepare students physically and mentally for jihad for the sake of Allah" (Goal No. 104). Another goal was "to arouse the spirit of Islamic jihad in order to fight our enemies, to restore our rights and our glory, and to fulfill the mission of Islam" (Goal No. 60)."


That's right. It's THAT crazy. Our best friends are trying to arouse the same jihad we're fighting, and we're negotiating with someone who wants 'chaos at any price'.

Since the 'generous European offer' didn't entice him, perhaps we Americans can present to Ahmadinejad an alternative package:


He wants chaos, we can provide it. Free delivery.

The Undercurrent

I just received a comment from The Undercurrent, a very good Objectivist newspaper. I would like to take this time to invite all readers to check it out. I will include The Undercurrent in my list of links as well as a blog by its editors.

The Camel Express

The director of my study abroad program sent a check I wrote for tuition on February 25th through the incredibly efficient government-run Jordanian Post Office. I can now announce that the check has been received.

Today.

Two months later.

MalikFalasteeni (1:15:53 AM): i mean, did they send it by pony express? across the atlantic???

Ilyeria (1:20:39 AM): they probably swam, yes

The Meaning of Life, REVEALED!

"I have not created jinns (unseen volitional beings on Earth) and men to any end other than they may worship me." Qur'an 51:56

If God wanted us to live on our knees, why endow us with feet to stand on?

"And they schemed, and Allah schemed and plotted: and Allah is the best of schemers." Qur'an 3:54

Amen.

More Tantawi wisdom

"Until recently it was thought that we only had five senses. Now a few more have been discovered, and it seems there can be more."

Um...WHAT?

More gems

More gems from Sheikh al-Tantawi's "General Introduction to Islam" (or, as I affectionately nicknamed it, "A Series of Unfortunate Non-Sequiturs"):

"In terms of the speed of light, the sun is only eight minutes away from the earth, the speed of light being three hundred thousand kilometers per second. So, in eight minutes, light travels more than the two million kilometers that separate the sun from the earth."

Apparently, being a Muslim scholar doesn't require basic arithmetic (surprise). Three hundred thousand miles per second multiplied by eight minutes does not equal two million kilometers. In fact, he's only about one-hundred and forty two million kilometers short.

"And what about the stars whose light reaches us in a duration of a million light years...these stars whose size is beyond the scope of our imagination move at great speed and never bump into each other. How can that be explained?"

Usually, the fact that they DO bump into each other explains it pretty well.

He then refers to atoms (quoting someone else) as "the unique gem that cannot be disintegrated."

Perhaps he hasn't heard of the atomic bomb, in which we split the atom?

The crowning achievement of the chapter I'm on is this dialogue between two fictitious men who came across a beautiful palace, with exotic carpets, clocks, etc.:

"- First Man: Somebody must have built this palace and furnished it.

- Second Man: What conservative and old-fashioned comment! This whole place is the work of nature.

- First Man: How could nature have built such a palace?

- Second Man: Well, the stones and rubbish that were originally here were formed into walls and partitions as a result of floods, winds and climatic change.

- First Man: But what about the carpets?

- Second Man: Oh - They were made from the wool that fell off sheep and dyed by mixtures of coloured metals. Then the wool was interwoven and the end product is these carpets.

- First Man: How about the clocks?

- Second Man: Due to certain climatic conditions, iron corroded and formed small round and flat pieces which became clocks.

Wouldn't you think someone giving such answers was crazy?"

Wouldn't you think somoene giving this parable is stupid? (Answer: yes.)

One cannot compare man making something from something with God making something from nothing. Notice that throughout the conversation, the second man referred to the existing materials with which the palace was made. The author intends for this to be evidence of Intelligent Design - the idea that nature is too complex to be uncreated. Except for the fact that nature is itself the standard for complexity. The only alternative to reality is non-existence. Nothing at all. Not a simple world - no world at all. So Tantawi is making the statement that the universe is complex based on what alternative? Complex is a relative concept - as in, MORE complicated than something else which is simple. This implies a simple alternative. Which doesn't exist.

He goes on to describe the "extremely difficult functions" of human organs, as further proof of complexity. Except that they're not difficult, when you get down to the microbiological scale, which is the scale on which the basic functions of the body works. Even the parts of the body coordinating these muscles are simple. The hypothalamus, the master gland of the brain, works by reacting to chemicals and sending out hormones. When you break things down to their basic ingredients, they're not very complex at all. Besides, complexity doesn't prove creation. X does not imply Y. The reason why the palace implies a creator is because the observed forces of nature cannot produce a palace. If they could, the palace being natural would be a real possibility.

"All the writings based on high-flown theories regarding 'Nature', 'Laws of Coincidence', etc. are, to say the least, illusive and illogical. But to the pleasure of sincere believers, such words are no longer valid in scientific circles and are usually only used by pseudoscientists."

Maybe in the Arab universities. And we wonder why no Arab university has ever made it to even the top 500 list of prestigious schools.

Logic: 6; Islam: still 0

Logic to the rescue!!

A quote from "General Introduction to Islam," the book assigned to us for Islam class (generally considered THE best book for explaining Islam):

"When we grew up and became mature we asked 'What is nature?' In Arabic, etymologically, the word means 'something which is made natural.' Who then, made it natural?"

Check out this logic:

Etymology of word implies X.

X implies Y.

Therefore, Y.

The etymology of the word 'nature' (in Arabic) implies a creator of nature. A creator of nature implies God. Therefore, God exists.

Except that words are categories IN OUR MINDS. The burden is not on metaphysical reality to conform to words, but for our words to conform to reality. This is an example of the consciousness over existence mentality.

Logic 1; Islam 0.

Sage advice

Don't go to Indonesia to masturbate. Just saying.

Hooray for income inequality :)

Warning: kissing Israeli women may be harmful to your health.

Ilyeria (4:15:50 AM): offensive slur or greatest couch ever? you decide

From Sara

The Japanese have invented long-sleeve panties.

The Minister of Agriculture...of TERROR

(Photo of the ISI Minister of Agriculture in repose with his fugly wife, courtesy of Gary Hagins, who is too awesome for words.)

The insurgents in Iraq have unified under the umbrella group "Islamic State of Iraq", led by "Emir (Prince) of the Faithful" Abu Omar al-Baghdadi. That name is an alternative term used to refer to Caliphs, to give you an idea of what this group intends to do should the US vacate Iraq without dealing with them once and for all.

Most curiously, the ISI has announced ten cabinet ministers, among them a minister of agriculture. Nothing quite says 'you fight like my grandmother' like getting named the minister of farming. You might as well just tell him "you really suck at being a terrorist. Have you considered a career as a court jester?"

I wonder what his duties include? Razing the fields of apostates? Subsidizing poppy fields? Leading a chemical warfare attack against locusts?

There's also a Minister of Health. I'm sure he's working on a cure for cancer as we speak. But there are so many diseases which afflict the citizens of the Islamic State. SIDS - Sudden Insurgent Death Syndrome (warning signs include Marines in the area and bullets in the head), and various diseases involving shrapnel and fire. Oh, and AIDS. Everyone's got AIDS.

I can't wait till they appoint a Minister of Veteran's Affairs. He'll have NOTHING to do.

Thought Control

The thought police are out in force in Europe. Now the EU has adopted stronger new laws against those who deny or even trivialize the Holocaust. What, precisely, counts as trivializing? Even I've made jokes which could be defined as trivializing the Holocaust by some idiot or another. Shall I serve my three years in jail now?

The Baltic states asked that any denial of Stalin's atrocities be included in the law, but were denied. Consistency, of course, can never be entertained in the same realm as the irrational.

And so begins tyranny over the mind, and the decline of Europe.

The 'whole of society'

A French government official, defending regulations and taxes: "...the free market is made for the whole of society."

Therefore, part of society needs to be unfree. For the..."whole of society."

Do these people think that the rich earn their way out of society or something?

ALERT: There is now confirmed evidence of sand in the Middle East

I have a weather add-on for my FireFox, and it currently says: "Now: Sand and 23*C"

Perhaps they wanted to remind me that there's sand in the Middle East.

(I know it means it's dusty, just seemed like a funny way to put it.)

Black Sheep

**Now published in the Apr. 17 issue of the Daily Bruin**


UCLA is pulling out all the stops to make sure the 392 Black Freshman they accepted know for certain that they are, indeed, Black. How can one ignore this fact with such an thoroughly dark-pigmented event as the "Admit Weekend: Black by Popular Demand"?

But an event isn't quite money in the bank. While everyone else applies to get scholarships - filling out applications with details about their academic and sports careers to compete for money - these students get them without even asking. "'I didn't even apply for it,'" one prospective student said, "'It just came in the mail.'" Almost as if the scholarship fund manager asked for a list of Black students and sent them money, just for completing the daunting feat of being born Black.

But these students couldn't possibly be individuals. Not with how UCLA is treating them. They are "The Black Students" that we must cultivate and grow. They are nameless and faceless - but colorful - which is way more important to UCLA.

I hope every single one of them declines their admittance offer in indignation. This is not how you treat human individuals. It is how you treat sheep.

Maybe Iran didn't get our message. The one that said "pretty please, or we'll have the UN write a very nasty letter to you."

The More You Know...

Things I have discovered in the last few days:

1. My Arabic when I first came to Jordan (which was TERRIBLE) was still better than King Abdullah - the ruler of Jordan - when he came to Jordan to rule in the late '90s. The reason for this is because His Majesty grew up and studied in America and the UK, and lost virtually all his Arabic in the process.

2. Taxi drivers in Jordan make BANK. I used to think the government subsidized taxis because they're so cheap (there is virtually nowhere in Amman you can't get to for two bucks). Nope. They make about 30 JD (around 45 dollars) per day, which is the equivalent of a third of the average Jordanian's wages in a MONTH. In fact, an average taxi driver makes more than my aunt, who is a doctor. And people wonder why there is a brain drain in Jordan. And too often, you'll find people with advanced degrees driving you to your local watering hole. So very sad.

3. I am very very very distantly related to the late Palestinian President and terrorist extraordinaire Yasser Arafat. The cousin of my grandfather on my father's side is the cousin of a man who is married to a member of the Arafat family (I think Arafat's cousin). So I am Yasser Arafat's non-blood cousin, about nine gazillion times removed.

But as my Somali friend Mak pointed out, so is everyone else. In the Middle East, everyone is related to everyone. It's really just one big passive-aggressive incestuous orgy. Families are huge. Our family is considered very small - only about two or three hundred members.

Malaysia

The government of a nation-state has just issued a decree.

Against ghosts.

I wish we could bomb countries for being too stupid for words.

Collective Hypocrisy

Every now and then I hear someone bloviating righteously about the atrocities of collective punishment against Palestinians, Iraqis, Afghanis, or you-fill-in-the-Muslim-nation. More often than not, these people use the other side of their mouths to preach collectivist ideals such as being 'your brother's keeper' and heeding your duty to your religion and your family. Does anyone else see the blatant hypocrisy? After all, if I am my brother's keeper, aren't I partly to blame when he screws up, just as I would be if my own children did?

If collectivism is okay as a philosophy for deciding how to do good, why isn't it okay for deciding how to punish evil? A true collectivist would say that the society as a whole is responsible, and should be punished for not stopping a member of society from doing harm. After all, (in their view) it is responsible for every member's health care, education, welfare, and the list goes on – so why isn't it responsible for his ill-deeds as well? Society 'earns' its members' rewards (profits and wages through taxes) – so why doesn't it earn their punishments as well?

This is not, of course, the reason why bombing civilian cities in war can be the right thing to do. The reason for that is simple: when someone violates your rights, you do whatever you have to do to stop him as soon as possible. A government's duty and sole reason for existence is her own citizens' protection. Any trepidation in carrying out our defense comes are our expense. In the case of the Middle East, they see our weakness when we hesitate to launch in-kind (or better yet, overwhelmingly disproportional) attacks – to the point that we put our own soldiers in jail when they torture terrorists who wouldn't think twice about beheading innocent civilians.

The reason why the War on Islamofascism (I refuse to call it the War on Terror for the same reason that I do not call WWII the War on Surprise Attacks) has dragged on for so long is simple: we have never been committed to our right to exist. If we were to make such a commitment, and immediately carpet-bomb the areas of the Middle East where terrorists fester (i.e. Iran, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Afghanistan, amongst others), there would no longer be a will to fight on the other side. If they understand that a single American murder will result in them getting bombed into the stone age that their philosophy demands, their supply of recruits will dry up fast. One does not deal with animals on the level of human rights – and their collectivist philosophy puts them at the level of animals (ants, to be specific).

Furthermore, the responsibility for any and all casualties in such a war rest squarely on the shoulders of the initiator of force – including, in extreme cases, the culture that produced them. One need only take a look at the stated purpose of the Saudi government education system (which specifically cites preparation for Jihad as one of the primary reasons for its existence) to see what produced these people. The governments – just about every single government of a Muslim country – support and promote the collectivist culture and the 'religion of peace' which calls for its followers to fight Christians and Jews and Apostates multiple times in the Qur'an. The only relevant resistance movements in these countries are those to make the governments even MORE Islamic. As long as these people do not actively seek to change the culture and stop attacks, there are no innocents in this region.

In the words of a Spartan: “Give them nothing...but take from them, EVERYTHING!”

Owned.

When wives attack...

Hiroshima

tallbladeofgrass (12:41:41 PM): and this one woman in our tour group keeps apologizing to all the japanese people we meet here on behalf of america for dropping the bomb

MalikFalasteeni (12:46:18 PM): how did the japanese people react to her apologies?

tallbladeofgrass (12:46:24 PM): they thanked her for her sentiments, but said it was nothing to worry about

tallbladeofgrass (12:46:45 PM): and our guide, for instance, said they understand why we dropped the bomb

MalikFalasteeni (12:47:46 PM): ...so the people who got bombed are more rational than she is?

tallbladeofgrass (12:47:28 PM): pretty much

Ten things you should know before visiting Jordan

1. There is no toilet paper in public bathrooms. EVER. "I'll use paper towels instead," you think. Nope. None of that either. It's like there's a conspiracy against ass hygiene.

2. There's a bad smell. May have something to do with item 1, or with the fact that most Jordanians consider two showers a week to be excessive.

3. There aren't 'women' so much as there are 'black-garbed moving ghosts with eyes.' Some may be hot. No one will ever know.

4. Cars always have the right of way, even when they aim at you and speed up (which they do, often.) Test this rule at your own peril.

5. Taking your shoes off when entering someone's house is either wildly offensive or wildly appropriate. Have fun figuring it out.

6. As a foreigner, you will either be ripped off or given things for free. There's no middle ground.

7. There aren't lines so much as there are unruly mobs pressing towards the cashier at any restaurant. Getting served is a matter of bulk and braun.

8. Top five questions cabbies will ask: "What's your religion?" "Are you a Muslim?" "Why aren't you a Muslim?" "What the hell is an 'Atheist'?" and "What's your opinion on the war in Iraq?" just to mix things up a bit.

9. The Queen is hot. Oh man, she is so, so hot. No punchline. Just lots of gorgeous.

10. Famous last words: "No, I don't believe in God."

Deity Diet Day

I declare today Deity Diet Day.

Some suggested diet plans:

1. Cold Turkey - deny the holy spirit.

2. The Buddy Plan - go for a beer with a buddy on Sunday.

3. The Twelve-Step Plan - step 1: take a step away from church. steps 2-12: repeat.

4. The South Beelzebub Diet - worship Satan as an alternative. *not recommended*

5. The Low-Kant Diet - burn 'The Critique of Pure Reason' and become rational.

6. The Dr. Phil Plan - get deity diet advice from a priest.

7. The Oprah Plan - Believe. Don't believe. Repeat.

8. The Hollywood 'Diet' - have your faith surgically removed.

9. The Scientology Plan - enter a mental facility.

10. The American Alternative - worship the almighty dollar. *highly recommended*

More at Capitalist Christopher

Truer words were never spoken

"Nobody respects an altruist, neither in private life nor in
international affairs. An altruist is a person who keeps sacrificing
himself and his values, which means: sacrificing his friends to his
enemies, his allies to his antagonists, his interests to any cry for
help, his strength to anyone's weakness, his convictions to anyone's
wishes, the truth to any lie, the good to any evil. How would you
tell an altruist's treacherously unpredictable policy from that of a
cowardly milquetoast? And what difference would it make to his
victims? A man practicing such a policy would be mistrusted and
despised by everyone, including the profiteers on his 'generosity'--
yet this is the policy which the U.S. has come as close to practicing
as any nation ever could. And if foreign countries are now cheering
the sight of a giant, the U.S., standing up to a flea, Cambodia, it is
the (momentary) defeat of altruism that they are cheering
unknowingly, it is America's liberation from altruism's flabbiness,
it is America's declaration to all the fleas of the world that the
world is not to perish as a meal for fleas."

- Ayn Rand, about Ford's military reaction to Cambodian terrorism

If only we listened to those words today, against Iranian fleas.

Axe Africa

For those times when you want to go out smelling like AIDS, malaria and desperate poverty.

Appetizers

The finest homos, imported direct from San Francisco.

My car (RIP)

People often ask me why I don't trust my brother with, well, anything.



A picture is worth a thousand words. These two are repeating "I hate you Kal" over and over again.

Interest-ing

There are two types of banks in the Middle East: regular banks and 'Islamic' banks. Islamic banks exist because usury is a big sin in Islam, and therefore interest is expressly forbidden. In fact, many Muslims refuse to accept interest in their savings accounts in normal banks, because God said so. So how do Islamic banks work?

Let's say you want to buy a house. You walk into the Islamic bank and say you want a loan. They ask what it's for, and you tell them. Then the bank goes out and purchases the house at the market rate, and 'sells' it to you on an extended payment plan.

Do you see the difference? Yeah, neither do I. Interest is interest, no matter how you spin it. They declare that because they've purchased the property and sold it, it's just normal trade, just as though you purchased from a retailer after he bought from a wholesaler. But the principle is the same - he earns profit off of a product which he did not himself improve. For banks, they earn profit off of money without themselves producing anything tangible (or so the argument goes if you don't know anything about economics, which God doesn't.)

In the end, the Islamic banks actually earn MORE profit than a normal bank does. However, this does not make them better - the "loans" they give are limited to things which they can themselves purchase and sell. If you wanted a loan for, say, living expenses for the rest of the year, they have no means of helping you. So you get a worse product for a worse rate and they declare themselves holier-than-thou.

Fee, fi, fo, fum

Everyone remembers the giant's slogan in Jack and the Beanstalk - fee, fi, fo, fum.

Apparently, these seemingly meaningless words have an Arabic meaning.

Fee; في : In (or mouth of)

Fi; فيّ : The shade of a tree

Fo; فو : Mouth (of) (actually this is 'foo', but close enough)

Fum; فم : Mouth

In other words, "fee, fi, fo, fum" means "In the shade of a tree, the mouth of mouth."

I hate it when uppity assholes try to sound high and mighty by correcting someone else's pronunciation of the name of a foreign country. News flash: most foreign country names are in foreign languages. The names are ALREADY mangled. This happened when I was in UCLA a while back, when a couple people were having an argument about Iraq in one of my classes, and a leftie with a smug smile and a stick up her ass attempted to correct her opponent's pronunciation of the country's name. "It's 'Eeee-raq, not Ay-raq.'" Yeah, no it's not. The letter it begins with does not exist in the English language. In fact, nothing remotely close to it exists. It involves the use of your gag reflex. In other words...

Durka durka Mohammad Jihad

The actual meaning of 'Durka durka Mohammad Jihad':

Durka; درك

1. Police
2. To go down; descend (actually this is daraka, but close enough)
3. To attain puberty

Mohammad; محمد

1. The name of the 'messenger of God.'
2. Praiseworthy

Jihad; جهاد

1. Religious struggle (relating to any difficulty, personal or external)
2. Holy war

So 'Durka durka Mohammad Jihad' means "Police, attain puberty, praiseworthy holy war" (in HORRIBLE grammar.) If only they had said Durka durka KHILAL mohammad jihad - that would be 'Police, attain puberty through praiseworthy holy war.' Still bad grammar, but funnier.

Ironically, coming from the same root as durka is 'mudrik,' which means...RATIONAL. I-rony.

Stock Extortion

Stock broking in the Middle East is not for the sharp of mind or the poor of pull. In virtually every other stock exchange in the world (except the French, who are weird), there are three parties to a stock exchange: the investor, the broker, and the dealer. The investor gives the broker money and asks him to buy a company at a certain price. At Wall Street, the Broker yells out the company name to the dealer, who specializes in trading 10-15 companies, and has at least one competitor for each of his companies. The dealer quotes him the 'bid' and 'ask' prices - essentially, the price at which he will buy a company stock from the broker, and the price at which he will sell. There is no haggling. In fact, eyebrows would be raised if the process took more than a minute and a half. There is PERFECT competition and PERFECT information, because all the quotes prices are electronically listed, and every dealer has a cutthroat competitor. For that reason, it would be strange for stock prices to go up or down more than 2% each day, and the general trend is for prices to go up.

In Jordan and the Middle East, the process is radically different. It is not unusual for stock prices to stay the same for an entire day - because no one bought or sold the stock. Total trade can shoot up and down 5-10% each day, devastating companies, and all is normal. This is because their trading system is based on only two actors: the investor and the broker. The investor asks the broker to list his stock for sale, and the broker will write the name of the stock on a blackboard with the asking price. Generally, no one will come to buy it. Then the broker will advise the investor to raise the price. And this happens until someone is willing to buy it - that is, another broker. Except more often than not, it is the same broker. So the guy who's supposed to be looking out for you is advising you to sell for less and buy for more - even as he is buying your stock at the lower price and selling his to you at the higher. In other words, your broker is your own worst enemy. The trend in Middle Eastern exchanges is ever downward, and there are only a handful of exchanges each day.

My economics professor tried to get them to reform it by instituting a dealer system, but in a system of pull, only hard power can bring about change. So the brokers complained to people in power (since they make ridiculous profits off of this corrupt system) and the reform was killed. Such is Jordan, and so it will remain.

10 Signs your country is approaching economic apocalypse

1. You're the second most water-poor nation in the world...and you export water and grow water-intensive crops like bananas. Thanks, water subsidies!
   

2. The guards at the gates of your university are actually multi-millionaires – they just like the nice uniforms, the guns, the authority, and don't feel like doing real work.

3. Your bloated government's idea of 'liberalizing' the economy includes raising an income tax.

4. Your main source of income is people coming to see what more productive ancient cultures left behind.

5. You consider usury a sin, and honestly believe interest-free banking will make the world RICHER.

6. You're Muslim, and so are over 90% of your countrymen.

7. Everyone goes to school. Everyone has a degree. Nobody does anything with them.

8. All the smart ones emigrate to America.

9. Your main source of income is the money your relatives in surrounding oil-rich countries sent.
   

10. Your country's name is Jordan.

Beauty is in the eye of the Environment

We should all be proud of Bhutan. According to the highly enlightened gentleman I spoke with today at Jerusalem Restaurant, their government refuses to allow any trees to be cut down and sold to India, like their capitalist pigs of neighboring countries. They love their environment even more than they love their people. In fact, the king of Bhutan declared that, although his people were desperately impoverished, they would be the happiest poor people in the world. After all, nothing puts a smile on a poor hungry Bhutani's face like hugging a tree. And I'm sure the environment will love the free fertilizer that Bhutani corpses will provide to those trees when they die of happiness (I think some capitalists call it 'starvation.' Pigs.)

Unfortunately, Bhutan has taken a big step in the wrong direction. Recently, they permitted their citizens to start watching television. According to the highly enlightened gentleman I spoke to, this has already led to the first case of suicide. This is what happens when you show people who are dying of hunger advertisements for the McDonald's they're not allowed to have – they die. Clearly, television is to blame. Man, I hate freedom.

If only they more closely emulated North Korea. Apparently, they've been thinking five steps ahead of their people. See, those clever North Korean citizens want to use bicycles to overthrow their adorable god-like regime (demonstrated clearly by the following equation: B+NKP=BAD, where B is bicycles, NKP is North Korean People, and BAD is bad). Good thing the North Koreans saw that one coming. They decided to ban the ownership or use of bicycles. Disaster averted. Of course, some slow Westerners aren't quite as quick as those smart Asians, so I'll explain it in detail. You see, bicycles are a symbol of fast movement. People who move quickly tend to move towards anti-government organizations. Anti-government organizations tend to overthrow governments. Therefore, ban bicycles. QED. For even slower capitalists, see the equation below.

Worst cab ride EVER.

In Amman, even the people with jobs are beggars.

I got in a taxi today going from downtown to the UJ (University of Jordan), which is about a 15-20 minute ride. The taxi driver eyed me with greedy eyes as soon as he heard my Arabic break. Jackpot, they seemed to say...a foreigner. It didn't help that I had in my hands a recently purchased suit jacket, which screamed wealth.

He started by asking me if I wanted him to consider me his brother. I asked him what the 'shart' (condition) was, and he feigned not knowing what I meant. He tried to convince me that he simply wanted to be my brother. So I grudgingly said sure. Why should I care if some random guy in a cab considers me his brother?

Then came the condition. He gave me a sob story of how his father had heart problems, and he was unable to pay the bills and keep his cab. He wanted 50 JD (over 70 USD). Yeah, I wasn't having any of it. Except he kept pressing. He appealed to my faith (I lied to him and told him I was Christian, to avoid 20 minutes of evangelizing), explaining to me how God watched all and how he asked of everyone to help the poor. Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with him - if he didn't keep pushing. I said I didn't have 50 JD. No problem - this is Jordan, the land of haggling. How about 25? The begging lasted fully 10 minutes, until I finally had to say very sharply and impolitely "enough. No means no."

This was followed by 10 long silent minutes of driving and very noxious smoking. AWK-WARD. Yeah, worst cab ride ever.